The other night I decided to stream Dirty Dancing. Not that Havana Nights sequel nonsense. (And don’t even get me started on the Footloose reboot.) No, I went back in time to 1987’s version of 1963 to watch Frances “Baby” Houseman gyrate with Pachanga-loathing bad boy Johnny Castle. And whoa, I was shocked by what I found there. …
They’re calling for unity. We need to “move past things,” they say.
Well, I’m tired of moving past things. I want to stick with things for once. I want to put them in the light, discuss them, and finally do something about them. I want accountability and to set an example.
Let’s start with two quotes I love about the trickiness of families:
“If you think you’re enlightened, spend a week with your family.”
“A family is a dictatorship ruled over by its sickest member.”
I do a lot of my reading on an app called Instapaper which lets you highlight passages as you read. I went through all my saved highlights from this year and picked out my favorite paragraphs below (bold emphasis in ’em is mine). …
I lack awareness. You’ve explained that to me very clearly.
Like a plague, I have brought sand upon your house. Clearly, I should be more thorough when I hose off my feet. Also, I should coil the hose properly after I’ve used it. What kind of person just throws the hose on the lawn without coiling it? Me, I am that kind of person.
I do not wash the dishes sufficiently before I put them in the dishwasher which I load improperly. I like to think…
Occasionally, someone who is curious about doing standup comedy will ask me if I have any advice. I invariably reply that if you can do anything else, you should. There’s no reason to subject yourself to years of hell gigs, dingy motels, and a gauntlet of indifference in exchange for meager pay and occasional spikes of transcendence unless you simply have no choice. It is a calling, I explain, something you do not because you want to do it but because you have to.
Omertà is how we describe a code of silence, but the literal translation of the Italian word is “manhood.” In Sicily, it implies that a man needs to handle his own problems without relying on the law. There’s even a Sicilian proverb about it: “Cu è surdu, orbu e taci, campa cent’anni ‘mpaci.” Translation: “He who is deaf, blind and silent will live a hundred years in peace.” (Presumably, this peaceful hundred years will also involve bumping into a lot of things.)
Americans typically associate the…
E called them “swamp flowers” as she picked them out of the lake in the Moosehorn National Wildlife Refuge, located off Route 1, southwest of Calais, Maine, and placed them in her water bottle. They’d spruce up the kitchen table at her grandparents’ place nicely later that day. …
“Woke, cuck, PC, snowflake, libtard!”
“Redneck, Nazi, douchebag, hick, racist, NASCAR fan!”
(OK, that NASCAR one might just be me. I just can’t get over this Bubba Wallace thing though. Southerners hating a guy from Alabama named Bubba who races NASCAR is like Jews hating an entertainment lawyer from Brooklyn named Shlomo who svhitzes matzah ball soup.)
Some reasons these insults spread so far and wide: They’re short, snappy, and roll off the tongue easily. Want a term to go viral? …
Comedian/writer. I just want all the right things to be in the wrong place.